What's My Deepest Fear....

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

±Maryanne Williamson±

Shinning as Bright as any Phoenix EVER!

Amazing doesn't even begin to describe this experience, but I will endeavor to share it with you.

Some time at the beginning of February I found out that Phoenix was coming into town again. Two years earlier they'd come to Japan, but my friends and I weren't able to get tickets. But we went to the venue where they would perform anyway and tried our luck to see if we could get in somehow. But no go. It was so disappointing. This time around I said: I'M GOING, not matter what!

A couple of friends of mine were also interested in going. So we went on a hunt for tickets, but like previously they were completely sold out. I was SO not happy. One friend put up a post on Craiglist (Japan), and I went and contacted a Japanese friend to bid for a couple of tickets that were available on yahoo japan. In the end, my friend got a response to his post but it was only for ONE! ticket (yey for him). THEN the yahoo japan auction turned out to be this never ending bidding war that was taking the ticket prices to crazy heights, so.... no ticket for me.

But undeterred and determined with my crazy desire to be there, I kept the end goal in mind everyday and decided to go to the venue again (myself) to try my luck. This time, I went before the performance started. As soon as I got there though a group of three were outside discussing some matter and then commenced walking towards the gate ahead of me. What came from their mouths made my heart race from nervous excitement. They were trying to sell a ticket. They'd spotted a Japanese girl with her sign saying she needed just one ticket. I tried to jump in and start a very wise, if you ask me, economical bargaining match, but one guy from the group wouldn't have it. He totally ignored me and pulled the group away to sell the ticket to the Japanese girl. I was really crushed and felt really rejected. That had seem to be the only chance to get in and I was totally brushed aside like a nobody. With 45 minutes left for the performance, I still wasn't going to give up hope. I reached in my purse, found whatever I could and made the best sign I could manage.

Passerbys briefly looked at my sign. One other girl that had been waiting at the gate for a while like myself pointed towards me as a man handed over to her what I assumed was a ticket. Of course I rushed over there with big hopes that he would have ANOTHER ticket to sell. All in Japanese- Do you have an extra ticket? "Yes I do, but I need to wait until 7 (start time) until I can sell this one. It's not guaranteed that I can sell you this one so if you do find another one please go and get it...." Arghhh!!!! I was still keeping my fingers crossed that his perspective buyer wasn't coming when another young man looked at my sign a little longer than normal... He was still walking away from me, but something about that look told me it was different from the rest. So I ran up to him and asked, again all in Japanese, do you have an extra ticket? He said, he did, but he wasn't sure if he could sell it. He had to go and confirm with his friend. Ahhhh!!! That's three times an opportunity for a ticket came my way.

With 25 minutes left until the show, I still wasn't losing hope. With my sign I continued to hope for the best. As it turns out, third time's the charm. The last guy returned and said that his friend wasn't going to be able to make it. When I asked him how much he was selling the ticket for (mind you, at this point everyone is expecting it to be sold way ABOVE face value), his reply was for face value. In my mind I was like, WHAT?! HECK YEA!!! I reached into my wallet and pulled out the only bill I had to pay for the ticket (100 dollars more or less). The guy looked at me and groaned. 'What? That's all you have? Don't you have any change?' 'Ahhh no, I don't. Sorry!!!' I started asking anyone passing by if they could break my bill, but a no go.... Desperate that this man wouldn't go and take his ticket back to sell it to someone else that had exact change, I suggested we go to the amusement park next door. He then looked at me and then the ticket and said in PERFECT English (which shocked me because he was speaking Japanese the whole time previously) "You know what? Don't worry about it. It's your lucky day. You can have the ticket." I stood there in COMPLETE shock. Ahhh!!!! "Wait. What? Are you serious?!" "Yes, please enjoy the concert."

Elated and SOOOO grateful, I looked down at the ticket and then found it to be in the standing section of the FIRST floor! EKKK!!!!! Not only was I going to attend the concert for FREE but I was going to have a chance to be in the FRONT row!!! My mind was spinning! I rushed into the concert hall, Shibuya AX, and easily made my way half way to the front. Three German or Belgium guys tall as heck were totally blocking my view. Of course this wouldn't do, so like the militant angel that I am ;) I worked my way passed them right up to the second row and then eventually on the bar in the front row. At this point, my heart was too filled with joy to do anything but smile the biggest smile I had and give thanks to the One Above. It was an even more exhilarating experience with Thomas Mars finding his favorite spot for the night RIGHT in front of me. Our eyes crossed paths several times throughout the night too. Sugoi!!!

Now all of this would have been enough. I was able to go to the concert of my favorite band FOR FREE and see them right up FRONT. Yet, what happened next blew my mind. Thomas Mars started motioning for people to join him on stage. Now for anyone who has lived in Japan longer than 6 months, you know that this type of participation from the Japanese is like pulling teeth. I mean, the crowd LOVED them, but they were too timid to make a step like that. After I saw him repeatedly make that motion to join him on stage, I did what anyone would expect me to do. I squeezed passed the bar and walked right up front to him and held out my hand. Thomas, with a smile, then reached down to pull me up. And that was IT! I had gone beyond the point of no return and I was burning on stage like the new found Phoenix I was. I spent what felt like a lifetime with the band onstage alone. Then the masses followed and what ensued was pandemonium. Every inch on stage was covered by crazed sweating body parts and the band and myself ended up squeezed up top the small second platform raised for the drum set. The incredible drummer, unperturbed by the crushing masses, played even harder, his rhythm drowning out our heartbeats and intoxicating our minds. His last hoorrah took us all to an even greater height, pushing us beyond the sky and into space as fiery Phoenixes.

This was my first experience at a Phoenix Concert. Not bad, eh?

Another Year

Yes, it's another year, but this year is unlike any other. I truly believe it was the best birthday celebration I've ever had. And it's not like I'd had a big party or had gone out on the town dancing until the wee hours of the morning (my preferred means of celebration).

A proper whole weekend affair from Friday evening until late Sunday night, there was love and friendship abound. But really it wasn't what I'd been able to do, but who I'd been able to spend it with that made it such a memorable experience. A fantastic surprise dinner with close christian friends, a long relaxing day out in a hot spa, a bit of shock and sadness, a heart stopping confession, shopping, surprise gifts of fruit (which I'd NEEDED), more food and more laughter, grrrrrreat birthday cards!, I couldn't have asked for more.

What made this year so different than any other was the realization that it wasn't what I was doing that was important, but who I spent it with that made it special.

Wow, it took me this long to figure this out. Well better late than never.

I'd like to thank ALL the special people in my life. I LOVE you.

Why All The Secrets

Hmmmm.... I think a co-worker just got married but said absolutely nothing about the occassion.

In Japan, this is totally the norm. For big occassions like engagement, marriages, graduation, pregnancies, etc, rather than share your great news and let people in on the joy in your life, people tend to hide these curcial life milestones. It's what helps to create this big wedge that perpetuates distance amongst co-workers. I mean, I'm a very private person myself, but getting married is big news! Why hide it?!

I mean I know it's your perogative to do what you want, but for some reason, it really bothered me when I found out indirectly.

Desertion

My my my goodness. It has been so long since I've been on here, I don't even know where to start. Eventually I'll more than likely do a re-run of the last year, but for now I'm going to just touch upon the now.

Remember when I was all panicky about applying for a program in England, my my my have the tables turned. I'm currently no longer going to school in England. In fact, what I had been avoiding since the moment I graduated from uni has come to past. I'll be going to law school IN the States rather than abroad. AND thus, the previously disliked LSAT has to be coaxed into a friend. I have to get on her good side now as I'll need her to get into schools back home (oh and a quick note! I left Ibaraki and moved to Tokyo 09/08. Living in Harajuku! in an apartment I found with an AMAZING view!!!).... As I was saying, preparing for the LSATs has been a long process , but it is far from finishing. I should be broken and in constant tears when I think about my performance in September compared to my preparation, but really what will that attain? Instead, I've got this unbelievable calm about this next exam. I'll do just fine. Everything will work itself out. This I believe without a shadow of doubt.

You see, that's the thing about trusting in my Lord, He's taking care of everything.

Dreams: Wish I could decode them

I wish I was good at interpreting dreams. I just got back from a weekend hiking trip and during the overnight stay dreamed that two hikers from the trip had gotten engaged. They’re not even dating or anything, it’s just something that my mind decided to just go and imagine. The guy was really happy about the situation, of course, but really it was something a bit bazaar for me. Last night too took my imagination for a bit of a spine. I’d just entered the country apparently and had a friend come pick me up at what looked to be a port. Then she drove me off to this party I had to go to. Everything was cool until we walked through the house and out a door and there we were facing water like the red sea had been bottled up into the house. I turned around....

Wow I started this post, but never finished it. shoot, i regret that I hadn't because I don't remember this dream and have no idea where it was headed....

I AM JUST SO THANKFUL

This past weekend was my birthday and all I can thank about in retrospect is how thankful I am to know so many wonderful people. I had a wonderful housewarming/birthday party at my new pad high up above harajuku. :)

Loads of people came and crushed themselves into my tiny apartment. Old friends, new friends, co-workers, people from all over. After the first round of festivities, we all went to a new (for us) dancing spot called Vuenos (i think it's suppose to say Buenos lol, but the two letters always get confused here). We danced away until our hearts content and the girls experienced for the first time, startling advances of aggressive Japanese men. It was like we were back in the States in a club in the ghetto, well not to that extreme, but for Japan it might as well have been.

Anyhoot, I ended up home again one happy little birthday girl. Only having been in the big city for a couple of months, I think I'm going to like it here. :)